My oh my has it been hard for me to stay on top of my blog… I’m sure some of you readers out there know this but many of you may not. 2011 was a tough year for me personally and it has been extremely difficult to give the right kind of attention to my beloved photography business. After 9 years of marriage, two beautiful children and lots of ups and downs, my husband and I have decided to call it quits. I’m from the school of “gaman shinasai” which is Japanese for “preservere” or “don’t give up”. I heard this all my life from my Mom: “Toki, gaman shinasai!” which pretty much meant don’t complain, don’t cause trouble, don’t whatever it was and me saying, “buuut Moooooommmm!!!” (whine, whine as kids and teenagers do LOL).

However, enough is enough and I finally found the courage to make a change that needed to be made for a long time. Most of last year was spent making changes to my address, the boys’ school, establishing ourselves in our new community and it kept me very, very busy. Then the holidays rolled around and I was stunned. Shocked by all of the changes that happened so quickly and feeling heartbroken for what was happening, ridden with guilt for the sorrow that my boys were feeling about the divorce.

But the human spirit is amazing… and having loving friends and family around is priceless! Somehow, I am healing from the hurts and learning from my mistakes and desiring to move onward. Some days are better than others but I’m taking it day by day. In the midst of all of this, my babies have been my primary focus and everything else has taken a backseat. I am so happy to see them doing well in school and making new friends. We stay busy with activities and playdates, trying to maintain a sense of normalcy. They are sweet, loving, smart, spirited kids and we’ve managed to quietly adjust to all of the changes. No doubt there will be plenty of difficult moments ahead but I know that we will be okay in the long run. I’m doing best to get myself situated in my personal life but having a hard time balancing my business life… I’ll be honest in saying that I’ve been disappointed with my lack of drive and enthusiasm for my love of photography. But I have faith and trust that my passion will return so stick with me people!!!!

By the way, my Mom now says to me, “Toki, life is too short to ‘gaman’… I now realize that you need to do whatever it takes to be happy, healthy and productive!” I love hearing my 72 year old Mom saying that to me now. Pretty cool!

My sweethearts turned 8 on January 29th and I wanted to do a little session to commemorate their birthday. So we found this awesome spot down an alley in Hollywood and had a fun little photo shoot. They are growing up so darn fast!! I love them SO much and they inspire me to do my best every day. I am so very blessed with all of the love that I receive from my children, my family, my friends… I love you all!

Sometimes, my favorite image from a session is not always the most technically sound… Take this image for instance. It’s clearly a mistake on my part. I did not intend to get a blurred shot. As I sat in front of my computer editing a session (while trying to shake off a persistent flu I might add) I was just about to dismiss this shot but something made me stop. I examined it a little more closely… and realized that although the image is flawed, I really, really liked it. Something about it made me smile. And then I cried… weird I know. But I cried because lately, I’ve been wondering about the direction, or rather the lack of direction, in my personal and business life. Don’t get me wrong… I am honestly grateful for my many blessings but there’s the other part of me and I can’t help feeling a little anxious, slightly overwhelmed, seriously unmotivated. But you know something? I’m allowed to feel this way for a moment! And to know that it’s okay to make mistakes… little ones, big ones, it’s all a part of life and we learn from them. I need to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made and more importantly, I’m working on forgiving those who have made their mistakes against me. I’m learning to just move on and not hold on to the hurt because life will continue whether you like it or not, and I sure as heck don’t want to get left behind! So anyways, after this little moment, I gave myself permission to stop working and take a break. And as I sit here, sipping on a nice hot cup of pomegranate tea, I’m smiling once again at the lovely moment between husband and wife. And this time, I see beauty, joy… total perfection.